I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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