All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
