People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
