I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
