Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
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My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
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Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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