There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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