no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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