I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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