so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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