Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
