It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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