it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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