Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
