he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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