btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
