I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
