He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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