Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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