i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
