were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
