i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
