Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
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When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
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Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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