woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
