So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
