i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
