Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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