Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Randomize
