why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
