Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Randomize
