Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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