Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
