well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
im six kinds of drunk right now
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
