allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
