i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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