Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i came on her dog
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
