okay pat passed out under dana's car
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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