Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
