her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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