She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
