I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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