Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
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I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
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On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize