My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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