After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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