she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
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