i need an iv and a liver transplant
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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