Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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