Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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