her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
