you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
