also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
