I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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