I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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