creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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