i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
